Living with OCD: How It Affects Relationships and Marriages, and How to Support a Partner
Loving someone with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) means navigating a relationship where anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and compulsions often play an uninvited role. OCD can affect not only the individual experiencing it but also the dynamics of their closest relationships—particularly with romantic partners.
Whether it’s persistent reassurance-seeking, emotional withdrawal due to anxiety, or rituals that interfere with daily life, OCD can create unique challenges that may leave both partners feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure of how to move forward together.
Yet, with empathy, understanding, and the right tools, couples can learn to manage these challenges and build resilient, loving relationships. This post explores how OCD can affect relationships and marriages and offers practical strategies for supporting a partner with OCD.
How OCD Shows Up in Romantic Relationships
OCD is a complex disorder that manifests in different ways, but there are common patterns in how it can impact romantic relationships:
1. Reassurance-Seeking and the Need for Certainty
A hallmark feature of OCD is the need for certainty in an uncertain world. In relationships, this often manifests as repeated reassurance-seeking. A partner with OCD might frequently ask:
“Are you sure you love me?”
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Are we okay?”
These questions may stem from intrusive thoughts about the relationship or fears of being rejected or abandoned. While offering reassurance can seem like a helpful response, it often reinforces the OCD cycle, making the need for certainty more persistent over time.
What It Feels Like: For the partner without OCD, constant reassurance-seeking can feel draining. They may feel like nothing they say is ever enough to ease their partner’s anxiety, leading to frustration or emotional fatigue.
How to Support:
Instead of providing repeated reassurance, try gently redirecting your partner to strategies they’ve learned in therapy, such as tolerating uncertainty or using mindfulness techniques.
Use supportive language, such as: “I understand that you’re feeling anxious, and I’m here for you. Let’s talk about how we can work through this together.”
2. Intrusive Thoughts and Emotional Distance
Intrusive thoughts—unwanted, distressing thoughts that seem to appear out of nowhere—are a core symptom of OCD. These thoughts can involve fears of harm, contamination, or moral failure and often cause significant anxiety.
In a relationship, intrusive thoughts can lead to emotional withdrawal as the partner with OCD becomes consumed by their internal struggle. This can create a sense of distance or disconnection in the relationship.
What It Feels Like: The partner without OCD may feel confused or hurt by their loved one’s withdrawal, especially if they don’t understand what’s happening internally.
How to Support:
Encourage open communication. You might say: “I notice you seem distant. If you want to talk about what’s on your mind, I’m here to listen.”
Be patient. Emotional withdrawal is often a coping mechanism for overwhelming anxiety, not a sign of disinterest or lack of love.
3. Compulsions and Rigid Routines
Compulsions are behaviors or mental acts that someone with OCD feels driven to perform in response to intrusive thoughts. These can range from obvious actions, like handwashing or checking locks repeatedly, to more subtle mental rituals, such as silently counting or mentally reviewing events.
In relationships, compulsions can create rigid routines or disrupt shared activities. For example, a partner might avoid certain places or activities due to contamination fears, or they may need to perform a ritual before feeling comfortable enough to engage in an activity together.
What It Feels Like: The partner without OCD might feel frustrated by these disruptions or confused about why certain routines seem so important.
How to Support:
Try to remain compassionate. Remember that compulsions are not something your partner wants to do—they are driven by intense anxiety.
Avoid participating in compulsions, as this can reinforce the OCD cycle. Instead, offer encouragement for small steps toward resisting compulsive behaviors.
Support your partner in seeking or continuing treatment, particularly evidence-based approaches like Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP).
Building Resilience Together: Strategies for Couples
Despite the challenges OCD can bring, many couples find ways to strengthen their relationship and build a life that feels meaningful and connected. Here are some strategies to help:
1. Learn About OCD Together
Understanding how OCD works can reduce misunderstandings and foster empathy. When both partners have a shared understanding of the disorder, it becomes easier to separate the person from the symptoms.
Consider reading books or articles about OCD together.
Attend therapy sessions together if appropriate, or join a support group for partners of individuals with OCD.
2. Practice Open Communication
Maintaining open and honest communication is key. This means both partners should feel safe expressing their feelings—whether it’s about the challenges of living with OCD or the emotional impact on the relationship.
Use “I” statements to express how you feel without blaming. For example: “I feel overwhelmed when OCD takes over our evening plans. Can we talk about how to handle that next time?”
Set aside time for regular check-ins where you can talk about how things are going in the relationship.
3. Focus on Values, Not Certainty
One of the most powerful shifts couples can make is focusing on shared values rather than trying to eliminate doubt. OCD often demands certainty, but relationships thrive on mutual commitment to values like love, trust, and respect.
Remind each other why you’re together and what you value in your partnership.
Take small steps toward shared goals, even when OCD makes things feel uncertain.
4. Seek Professional Help
Individual and couples therapy can provide essential support. A therapist trained in OCD and anxiety disorders can help both partners learn strategies for managing OCD’s impact on the relationship.
If OCD symptoms are severe, consider finding a therapist who specializes in ERP, the gold-standard treatment for OCD.
Couples therapy can offer a safe space to navigate relationship challenges and build healthy communication patterns.
A Relationship Rooted in Compassion
Living with OCD can introduce unique challenges in relationships and marriages, but it also offers an opportunity for deeper empathy, patience, and understanding. When couples face OCD as a team, they can build a relationship rooted in compassion rather than certainty. It’s not about finding a perfect, doubt-free love—it’s about choosing to nurture the relationship, even in the face of uncertainty.
If you or your partner is living with OCD and struggling in your relationship, help is available. At PNW Anxiety Center, we specialize in evidence-based treatments for OCD and offer support for couples navigating these challenges. Contact us today to learn more about how we can help you build a stronger, more connected relationship.
